


This Means War

by Kay_kat



Series: Prank Wars [3]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Deckerstar if you squint, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 03:53:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16210856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kay_kat/pseuds/Kay_kat
Summary: After a scare from Lucifer, Dan decides to get his own back.





	This Means War

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who isn't aware, Orajel is a gel that contains benzocaine, a local anaesthetic, that is used for tooth ache relief and stuff like that.

Dan found himself adjusting surprisingly well to the news that Lucifer is _the Lucifer._ The Devil himself. Realising that you work with the Devil is daunting, to say the least but, after the initial shock wore off and a long talk with Chloe (who had apparently known for a while) he had started to feel a little easier about the whole thing. He’d had his doubts at first, of course, any sane person in his place would but, he figures Chloe knows best and he trusts her judgement. She says that Lucifer is a good guy and not at all like the Devil is in the stories and he believes her. She wouldn’t let him anywhere near Trixie if she thought any different. Anyway, Dan considers himself a good judge of character and he always knew something was off about Lucifer but, he is a good guy. He saved Chloe’s life on multiple occasions. That’s more than enough to show Dan that he has no reason to be afraid.

He did however, scare the absolute crap out of him for no good reason other than he was a bit bored and looking for something to entertain himself so, he’s still an ass. Dan feels his cheeks burn red as he recalls what a complete idiot he’d made of himself, running scared as Lucifer smirked down at him. So, when he finds the tube of _max strength Orajel_ that he’d bought after a particularly painful procedure at the dentist, he can’t help but think he could put it to good use and get himself a little payback. Afterall, the turnaround is fair play, isn’t it?

 

~

 

It takes over a week of waiting until he finally catches Lucifer taking off his suit jacket and hanging over the back of his chair in the precinct.

Show time!

He slips the tube of _Orajel_ from his desk drawer and slides it into his jean pocket. Spotting Chloe in the lab talking with Ella he decides to make his move and rises from his desk, sauntering over to where Lucifer is lounging in his chair, playing some colourful game on his phone. Dan approaches from behind and claps a hand to his shoulder, which Lucifer gives a distasteful look before lowering his phone.

“Hey Buddy, Chloe needs you in the lab.”

His face instantly lights up and he hops to his feet without a moment’s hesitation. He pauses just long enough to offer him a wide smile and his thanks before striding over to the lab.

Dan waits to check that he’s entered the lab and isn’t looking in this direction before reaching into Lucifer’s jacket and retrieving his cigarette case from within. He glances around the precinct one last time, Chloe, Lucifer and Ella look to be occupied in the lab and no one else is paying much attention to what he’s up to.

Clicking open the little case and setting it down on the desk, he takes out the tube of _Orajel_ , uncaps it and proceeds to smear the end of each cigarette with the gel. Sure, it’s childish and probably downright foolish to mess with The Devil but, he just remembers that smug look on his face every time he’d caught him stealing his pudding or every time he’d had a laugh at his expense. Making him look a fool in front of his co-workers had become somewhat of a habit of Lucifer’s and Dan felt it was time he had a taste of his own medicine.

Making sure he applied the gel generously, he closes the case with a click and replaces it in the jacket before slinking back to his desk with a smug grin of his own.

 

~

              _Later the same day_

Lucifer stares down at the dead fellow that decorates the sidewalk with a sigh. Another dreadfully boring case. Why can’t there be an exciting homicide for a change? Far too often the victims suffer a dreary demise. Was it too much to ask for a murder with some flair every now and again?

Glancing around the cordoned off area, he sees that everyone is busy, Chloe and Dan are interviewing possible witnesses and Ella is carefully packing evidence into the boot of her car. He huffs stuffing his hands in his pockets, accepting that he is doomed to be bored for a little while longer. Striding away from the crime scene, he ducks under the yellow tape and takes position, leaning against the Corvette. He pulls his cigarette case from his pocket. Might as well occupy himself somehow, right?

Shoving a cigarette in his mouth, he cups a hand around his lighter, protecting the flame from the light breeze as he sets it alight. Holding the, now lit, cig between his lips he tucks the lighter back into his jacket.

Smoke drifts lazily up into the air as he takes a long inhale and lets the tension melt away from him. He observes the crime scene, the bustle of people busying themselves with useless paperwork that did nothing but slow down his quest for punishment. His gaze finally settles on Chloe, watching the way she commands the other officers with such stern passion. Oh, how beautiful she is. What he wouldn’t do for her…. He absently takes the half-burned cig from his mouth, flicking the ash to his side, well away from himself and his car. Dad forbid he burn a hole in his Armani!

A strange taste in his mouth pulls him from his reverie. Licking his lips fills his mouth with a bitter taste that makes him grimace. He studies the cigarette in his hand, his eyebrows furrowing. He’s sure it’s the same brand he usually gets. It certainly looks like it anyway. Perhaps they’d changed their recipe? Whatever it was, it wasn’t pleasant. He’d have to remember to get a different brand.

Turning his attention back to the crime scene, he sees that Chloe is making her way towards him. Out of habit, he takes a last drag of the cigarette, causing himself to grimace again and drops it to the floor, crushing it underfoot with a sigh.

He licks his lips again, unable to get that horrid taste out of his mouth.

“Hey,” Chloe greets him with a smile as she approaches but, it quickly fades as she sees the grimace plastered on his face. “What’s wrong?”

“’ss nutthhin,” his eyes go wide as his tongue trips over the syllables of the words, falling out of his mouth into an incoherent jumble of sounds. His hand flies up to his mouth, feeling at his lips and finds them completely numb. He prods the end of his tongue and find the same thing. Completely and utterly numb.

_What on Earth?!_

Chloe stares at him like he’s grown a third head.

“Maa ‘oonge ‘ss ummm!” He exclaims trying to explain. The Detective doesn’t understand him. Panic sets in as he tries to comprehend what is happening to him. His mind races.

The cigarette.

Someone must have tampered with it. Has he been _poisoned?!_ His heart pounds in his chest faster than he thought possible and he clutches at his shirt, his breathing becoming shallow and laboured in his panicked state. Is he dying? With the Detective so close he doesn’t stand a chance if he’s been poisoned! He rapidly looks from side to side. The Corvette! If he drives away perhaps he can get enough distance between him and the detective to make himself invulnerable again. But, when he fumbles in his pockets for the keys a hand grabs his arm stopping him.

“Lucifer,” she says looking at him with her face full of concern, “calm down. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Tell her what’s wrong?! How can he when he can’t feel his bloody mouth??

He takes a breath. Panicking won’t get him anywhere, after all.

“Maa ung ‘ss uum,” he repeats pointing to his mouth, trying to be clearer than the first time but, ultimately failing.

Her brow creases, “your tongue is numb?”

She understood him! He nods vigorously and points at the crushed cigarette stub on the pavement. “’Oissuuun!”

She gives him a blank look.

An exasperated cry escapes him as he clenches his fists in frustration. He pulls out a cigarette from his pocket and waves it in her face.

“Your mouth is numb because you smoked a cigarette?”

He nods vigorously again. This was taking forever. Surely, he’d be dead by the time she’d figured it out.

“Oisssuunnn!” He says again waving the cigarette.

Her frown deepens, trying to decipher the jumble of noises coming from his mouth. Her eyes suddenly go wide. “ _Poison?!”_

He nods, waving his arms in the air beside him.

“Oh God!”

Despite his panic he rolls his eyes. Does she really have to bring Dad into this?

“What do we do?”

Worry creases he beautiful face as she looks at him with those warm, loving eyes.

His heart clenches as his eyes savour the sight of her so concerned about him. She really does care about him. He never thought it could be possible.

He could get in his car and drive as far away from the Detective as possible and hope that his body would expel the poison. As he reaches into his pocket for his keys though, he spots Detective Douche lingering by a patrol car watching them and sniggering to himself.

Chloe follows his gaze and sees him there too. Her face shifts from concern to anger as she realises what’s happened.

“Dan!” She shouts him, “what did you do to him?!”

She grabs Lucifer’s arm, towing him to where Daniel is standing. He can see that’s he’s been found out but, he can’t seem to stop himself from laughing.

“What did you do to him, Dan! Tell me!” She shouts again, her face flushing red with anger.

“Relax Chloe!” He manages between his bouts of laughter, “It’s just _Orajel!”_ He says mocking innocence by holding his hands up in surrender.

Out of nowhere she swings at him, hitting his arm with her fist, “you idiot! I thought he’d been _poisoned,_ Dan! Do you have _any_ idea how worried I was just then?”

Lucifer feels anger bubble within him, his eyes burning red with hellfire. “‘ss eans aaar!” * He cries.

Dan bursts out into another fit of laughter and Chloe covers her mouth with her hand, trying to stop herself from laughing.

Oh, Daniel doesn’t know what he’s started, Lucifer thinks to himself as he stomps away, positively fuming with rage.

**Author's Note:**

> *"This means war!"  
> Hope you enjoyed! Follow me on Twitter if you fancy having a chat about Lucifer, Deckerstar or anything really [@kaykat666](https://twitter.com/kaykat666). Thanks for reading!


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